4 Self-discoveries while being sequestered at home
Working from home is not new for me. I have been doing so for years. My personal philosophy is that if you are working heads-down or on calls with people worldwide, being at the office provides no added benefit. This is not something that everyone understands. People tout the many-times-debunked mantra “it's better for collaboration” and insist that office noise is not too distracting. While I’m not highly sensitive, I do have issues with noise…and proximity…and constant interruptions…and I’ll stop there. A typical office environment, or the nightmare that is an open-office, is not where I do my best work. That said, working and staying at home for months has been an experience. I am a hardcore introvert and I know my quirks very well. Still, it hasn’t been all roses and champagne. Imagine my surprise at learning something new when the only company I have is four-legged and furry.
1 — Being “super busy” is just an excuse
I have always been able to entertain myself. Young me read, played solo (shooting hoops, solitaire, legos, etc.), and rode my bike. Teen me did puzzles, athletics, computer programming, and read more. Literary characters were my friends. Career me has always hated office life. Currently, I work full-time from home, and I am in school full-time working on a PhD. I play at hobbies or physical activities and rest while I can before work has me traveling again. I am legitimately busy.
Since being sequestered, I have had plenty of time to lurk on social media, fall into Internet rabbit holes, and stream TV shows. I have NOT had weekly happy hours or video checkups with my people. I don’t think this makes me a crappier person. I am probably keeping up with some people more than usual. If I am being 100% honest, though, I am not too busy to do more. I just can’t.
I do THINK about folks and smile, laugh, or grouse at memories. I contend that this is “checking-in,” even though the other person may not be aware. It’s an introvert thing. Not everyone is comfortable with these mental gymnastics, but they work for me. By default, I assume that people are busy, and I don’t want to intrude or demand attention. If they are an extrovert, they will track me down because they need to socialize. If we’re both introverts, someone will break the standoff at some point.
None of this is indicative of how much I miss or care about my peeps. I just get focused on other things and fail to realize I haven’t communicated with anyone. I may touch base, or I may just wish they would. I definitely check my devices to see how long it has been. The follow-through is where I typically get waylaid. It is definitely not because I can’t find the time.
2 — Confined at home means freedom from pressure to socialize
I guess I never realized how much I have internalized the societal pressure to go out and be with people, make friends, or find companionship. I really thought I was ok making my own rules. About two weeks into our stay-at-home orders, it occurred to me that something had lifted. That constant inner voice insisting that I “go out and do stuff” was gone. No one was supposed to be out. It’s hard to describe the relief I felt at being “allowed” to stay home.
While home, I have been thinking about why that compulsory “be social” pressure is so powerful. I didn’t even realize it was there. I think it’s because I just absorbed these expectations without questioning their validity for me. Like the pressure on women to get married, have children, and make cookies. There are many of these kinds of expectations that are just… there, in the ether. They are background noise absorbed from movies, TV, conversations, and advertising. These expectations seem to be changing in the last couple of decades. However, there are still underlying expectations in play for everyone to work towards common extrovert socialization goals. What if I am not? More importantly, what if I don’t want to?
This is not the first time I have felt society’s disdain for not following along. The first time, I had a huge epiphany, significantly later than most, that I was attracted to women. Growing up, I didn’t even really understand that this was a thing. I think my exact reaction to this realization was, “Huh, that makes so much sense. WTF have I been thinking all this time?” When all of the unconnected memories in my life clicked together, I felt…settled.
Another time was when I became a single mother. I’ve never been able to decide if not being out publicly made the inappropriate questions entitled people asked easier more difficult. These questions, complete with the assumption that I should be scandalized, were quite astonishing. I was unprepared for frank, invasive queries lobbed at me from all directions by people I barely knew. That doesn’t even account for how many people felt like it was ok to touch me without asking!
I thought I had used these experiences to sort myself out and live my truth. Imagine my surprise when I realized another hugely impactful yet unwritten behavior, obligatory socialization, had disappeared. I’m not sure exactly what I will do when it is once again safe to go back in the water. But, I am going to try to be more intentional and act on my own terms.
3 — Self-discipline versus stream-of-consciousness living
In my youth, I was an accomplished athlete. I was very disciplined and active throughout college and my 20s. Doing everything I was “supposed-to” while battling bouts of depression, raising my child solo, and struggling to make adult friends changed me. It was harsh on my health and mental well-being. Sorting myself out meant getting back on my natural biorhythms, resetting sleep patterns, and becoming active again. I started small by walking with the guys at lunchtime. I shifted to a better way of eating. I jumped into coaching youth sports and became involved in my son’s school events. While he was in school, those dozen-ish years provided stability even though my ability to focus was being eroded.
I learned to get by with short bursts of focused activity. I adapted to a stream-of-consciousness way of working. I took on all tasks one at a time-ish. Spending a few minutes on one before moving to the next. The only way to complete ten #1 priorities is to make incremental progress on as many as possible in a day. After 30 years like that, sustaining actual productivity is nearly impossible.
One of my biggest personal challenges, while sequestered at home, is sorting my self-discipline shenanigans out. What I find most challenging is my mind’s penchant for flitting around and giving in to distractions. Right now, I have the job I want and time to focus. So why am I struggling? Is it because I have conditioned myself against becoming absorbed?
4 — Morning quiet does, in fact, spawn a better day
I’ve experimented with meditation or “quiet time” off and on for years. I’m not sure if its an instant gratification or a result of boredom, but I’ve never been able to stick with it for much more than a week or two. Maybe it’s a byproduct of having such a chaotic inner world. My head is always full of commotion. A song is playing at all times. At least one conversation or piece of writing is working itself out. The day’s task list provides persistent interruptions attempting to keep everything top of mind. There are random check-ins on longer-term, forgotten, or unfinished projects. Most days, I can’t even turn on actual background music because it is too much to add.
During this extended time at home, the persistent need to “go out and do stuff” is gone. This has allowed me to make quiet time a part of my routine. I am closing in on nearly 90 days with a record of 48 of those consecutively done within the app I use. After I reached 21 days in a row, I caught myself smiling in the middle of the day for no reason. Now, I get 1–2 hours of focused work done at a time. Resistance to start tasks has lessened, and I’ve been much more productive. There’s definitely more activity in my days.
Two rounds of different types of therapy, over many years, had helped me become more dedicated to my quiet time. Making this an integral part of my morning routine during this down-time has helped. I am better able to set daily intentions and see positive results from this practice. I am lighter in mood and spirit, and I dare say I have caught a few glimpses of happy. I really did not see that coming.
Introspection and a willingness to grow are an exciting combo.
