Aug 28, 2020
Oh…that’s why
[Note: an excerpt of this story was first published as part of Create Change’s #WearYourPride campaign — https://createchange.me/pass-the-mic-august-wear-your-pride-edition/]
In mid-sentence, she closed the distance in three quick steps and kissed me…hard. My knees buckled. I would have fallen on my ass had I not been leaning against the hood of my car. I had no idea collapsing like that was anything but a made-up, movie-fantasy reaction. I was stunned on several levels, to say the least. It was so much more than that — I was stupefied, speechless, and mentally catatonic. After a few minutes, there were only two concrete streams of thought.
First and foremost, “Oh….shit…what?…how?….whoa,” and other incoherent ramblings from the consciousness that was trying to “stay cool.” I think, on the outside, I may have appeared somewhat low-keyed as I typically would when everything inside goes absolutely silent. She backed right back up and returned her derrière to the hood of her car and looked at me all Cheshire-cat like. I don’t remember any of that evening after that, or before that, for that matter. But, I vividly remember how that kiss felt from the initial startled gasp - to the growing warmth and serene boneless comfort, so much more than anything I had ever felt - to dropping right back down on my car incapacitated when she stopped.
The second thought was more of an underlying hum that didn’t actually solidify into anything specific for a few days. My subconscious took that event and started putting pieces of a lifelong puzzle together. Some were about her, some about me from before we’d met, some about other interactions with people from prior years. A few days later, out of the blue, the thought popped right into my conscious reality, “you’re gay.” It was just…there…with no accompanying fanfare. Just a small, little factoid that shifted everything I thought I knew about myself. Right out loud, I said to myself, “Huh. Well, that explains things. That makes so much sense. Why did I never put that together before?”
You may have heard some people talk about such an epiphany like, “I think I always knew,” or, “from the time I was 5 years old…” I am here to confirm that not everyone has that underlying self-awareness. I was caught up short. A 26-year-old woman who thought she was pretty smart. 100%. Clue. Less.
Before that realization, I absolutely did NOT have any sneaking suspicions about why I’d always felt out of place. I had attributed it to constantly moving as a child, from one state to another, and never really learning how to make friends. Sometimes, I thought that I was just too shy or athletic to get whatever it was that made girls…uhhhh…girly? I never understood them, and I absolutely never understood me. Boys were easier to get. They ran, threw things to each other, and were rough-n-tumble. That made sense to me. There were no squishy feelings to worry about with boys. If you could run and catch, you could “belong.” It wasn’t until later (high-school and older) that I accepted that I was not what girls were “supposed to be like.” From being much more interested in those girly-girls than the macho-men to basic daily clothing choices that favored comfort over fashion.
See, I have always had an analytical mind. Commonly held beliefs do not allow girls to have that growing up. I have always processed life in terms of logic, efficiency, and problem-solving, not through feelings. When I got a few years older than “the kiss,” I discovered personality typing. If you’re into that kind of thing and speak Myers-Briggs, I am an INTJ-T. The layman’s understanding of that is that I am Introverted (not shy), iNtuitive, Thinking, and Judging. INTJ-Ts are known as the Architect. We are cerebral and think strategically. We are rational to an extreme and not often prone to emotional sway. Not exactly robotic but often thought of as cold or aloof. This helps us overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable by others and endlessly analyze everything from all angles. We tend to live in an inner world. We are imaginative, ambitious, and curious, but love privacy. By some estimates, INTJ-Ts make up <1% of the population. So, not only was I a “weird” girl, I was also one with a rare, often misunderstood personality.
After my big realization, things made much more sense to my analytical brain. I had just been missing essential pieces of the puzzle. I had never really been pursued by boys, they were my friends, but I did have a few moments. I remember those times because I was mentally looking at myself in the situation and wondering why everyone thought it was so special. Literally, in those instances of physical contact, I was analyzing why I did not feel what I was “supposed” to feel. One time, I even experimented a little, “hmmm, when I move my hip like this…he does that. Curious.” But when SHE kissed me, there were no thoughts, no analysis, just an explosion of sensations radiating out from my chest to my extremities. I don’t even remember driving home and we were both completely sober.
So, if you were gonna ask, “How do you know?” I KNOW, I just do. The evidence is overwhelming. It just took some time, much longer than expected, to get quiet inside and let it surface.
